Left With Nothing
by ladeedahdum
Summary: Olivia comes to a tough realization and doesn't know if she has any strength left to cope with it. Her heart is already shattered. Somewhere, the only man who can make it right is thinking of her. What will it take for them to find and heal each other?


**I was watching an SVU marathon yesterday and I realized how much I missed Elliot. So here's a new story. I know my Leon/Olivia series is unfinished, but it looks like it'll be on a short hiatus while I get inspired.**

It had been six months.

Six months since Olivia and David called it off. Six months since she had had any physical contact with a man. Since she had been loved. Since she had had stability. Since she had felt anything besides the numbness that seemed to consume her now. It was nights like this- late nights at the precinct because she just didn't want to pull herself away from her only distraction- that made her wish she still had PTSD. As sick as she knew it sounded, she knew it was exactly how she felt.

She'd rather experience pain than nothing at all.

So, on nights where all she could do was stare at the precinct wall and lose touch with herself, she waited for someone to save her from it. And then she kicked herself for not having the guts to get help- to find salvation herself.

"Olivia."

She pretended she didn't hear it. She might actually have not heard, or at least the words didn't register.

"Detective Benson."

The stare kept on.

"Detective Benson!"

Finally, it registered as her captain's voice. She snapped out of her stupor quickly and spun around in her chair. "Wha- yes, Captain?" she kicked herself. If she wanted to look like an emotional deadbeat, she sure was doing a good job at it. _But hey, if the shoe fits..._

"My office. Now."

She thanked the heavens the squad room was empty. It was all in his voice- she was in for one hell of an embarrassment at the hands of her boss. "Cap, why can't we just talk here, there's nobody around."

"You've been sitting there for the past three hours without a case. Maybe it'd do you good to move around."

Olivia scowled and raised her voice a bit. "I'm not moving."

Cragen, still leaning into his doorframe, crossed his arms as his mouth gaped open just a little bit. Olivia never would dare to raise her voice at him, even if he deserved it. Deciding to brush her violation off, he walked over slowly and sat on the edge of her desk. She turned her desk chair back so she faced the wall she had been staring at, not daring to look him in the eye.

"Look, Olivia," he sighed and looked at the opposite wall, seeming to be sucked into her black hole of emotions as well, "I need you to help me understand what has you ready to curl up and die the past few days."

"I guess I'm just hormonal."

"Bullshit, Olivia." His tone was grim and his voice was low and irritated.

She dared to peek up, reading his face. He meant business and she knew it. She quickly diverted her gaze and let out a sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me anymore."

"Well, why don't you start talking. I saw a peek of happiness out of you six or seven months ago, and now you're completely dead to the world. I thought you had finally gotten over Elliot, but it seems that couldn't be further from the truth." His speech had come out a little more forcefully than he would've liked, and he knew it. Her face turned into a twist of rage that he only saw when she was working with the rapists.

"Screw you." Olivia stood up abruptly, only to have Cragen put his hands on her shoulders, keeping her from getting to her feet.

"Okay, that's enough! Sit down."

Olivia looked at him, shocked that he would touch her. "Let me go," she scowled.

Cragen put his hands up. "I'm not holding onto you. You choose, Olivia- you stay here and talk to me, or you leave and I put you on mandatory psychological leave."

"That's not fair."

"It's completely fair with the way you've been acting."

She gave another weak glare, but her sadness was starting to manifest itself through a slight sheen of tears in the corner of her eyes.

"Now, start talking. What are you feeling?"

Her bottom lip buckled a little and she sucked in a deep breath to try and compose herself. Cragen was baffled. He didn't know Olivia to cry unless her entire world was in turmoil. He guessed that it was one of those times.

"I'm not feeling anything, Don," she looked up at him as a weak tear started to streak down her face.

"And what do you mean by that?"

"I have nothing anymore. I went home yesterday and I realized that I'm," she sucked in a deep breath unexpectedly as the tears began to really fall.

"You're what, Olivia?"

"I'm forty five and... there's no hope for me anymore. I've damaged myself too much."

"Olivia, that's not-"

"Don, it's true and you know it," she nearly whined, her voice swinging and cracking through her tears. "I have nobody that I can say I love. I have no family. My only family's in jail or dead- dead because they hated me."

"I don't know where you're getting all of this from Olivia. We couldn't love you any more than we already do here. You know... Nick came into my office yesterday. He's worried about you."

"I know..." she let out a slight breath in relaxation. "But look at me... I don't know how I've wasted all these years."

"Why do you think they're wasted?"

She shook her head slowly and let another wave of tears wash over her. "I don't know why, but I certainly haven't felt any positive effects from the past thirteen years... they broke me in the end."

"We all have difficult cases, Olivia. That doesn't mean we're broken."

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," she muttered through her sniffles, whimpering slightly.

"I know..." he put a reassuring hand on her back, "but I think it would be good for you to admit it."

"Don, I admit it every day when I get out of bed and have no desire to come into work... because he won't be sitting at his desk. He was the only thing keeping me from burning out and now..."

"You're too tough to burn out because of a man, Olivia."

She scowled at him again and spat back a little too aggressively, "I loved him, Don! I loved him with everything I had! But he was fucking married and as if that fact didn't break me enough, now he's gone! Now I can't even be his friend. I have no stability, Don. Zero."

He nodded and let her continue.

"And nobody seems to understand that. Hell, even you were a total ass the first couple weeks after he left. All I wanted to fucking do was talk to somebody!"

"Olivia," he warned, stunned at how loud she was deciding to have this conversation get.

"But then I realize I'm a complete dumbass... because I was trying so hard to build friendships and relationships and thinking they would make me happy... but the only relationship I wanted to build was with Elliot. Because I have nothing, _nothing, _even close to a relationship with him anymore," she looked down at her desk and her breath caught in her throat before she managed to whimper out the rest of her thought, "even after thirteen years."

"I need to know how I can make things better for you," Don finally managed, after a piercing silence.

"The only thing I could think of to fix me would be if Elliot came back, and I could hold him in my arms, and tell him that everything's going to be okay. For both of us. And that's the only way I could make myself believe it."

"Olivia... you can't let yourself be so upset over him."

"He was all I had Don... now... now..." She let out a sob that shook her shoulders as Cragen watched her intently. "I have nothing."


End file.
